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Volume No. 1 Issue No. 26 - Friday August, 2002
It Eludes Me
Searching for Meaning

by:Shirley Allan

I am trying to capture it.
Bear with me, and I will share with you the fruits of my contemplation.
I feel the presence of what is hidden, and disturbing.
but surly exists inside me; things that keep eluding me.

Nightmarish things, things so arcane,
labyrinth things I am trying to understand
I see the door, but have no keys.
I see imagines that I can't decipher I cannot understand the things that are happening inside me
Contemplating about this world is mesmerizing me.
It touches my heart, my soul, and my mind; it torments me
Bear with me while I try to sort out the confusion.
It takes me close to a precipice of madness
I replay fragments of my thoughts over and over again,
I try to make sense of all the pieces, so many intricate pieces
My heart bleeds, my mind is exploding
I see wonderful things I hear voices,
laughing, singing and then.

The smiling faces turn into angry faces,
The laughing turns into crying; the singing turns into howling.
I see blood spilling everywhere, I see chaos all around
I try to hold on to the singing, the smiling faces, the laughing,
But the nightmares interfere with the sweet moments
Bear with me while I retreat from this precipice

I know the things I feel inside me;
the things I see and hear can't seem plausible
when put to ordinary words.
I imagine that this is complex to you as it is to me,
But bear with me.

In agony I have been trying all my life to understand it and reveal it,
I hope today I comprehend it; but a light comes and fades away
Not revealing anything at all, as it turns to darkness yet again
It shows me nothing that I can share with you today,
I will try again tomorrow; bear with me.

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